AND survey SAYS!
Q: How many beds did you lay in yesterday?
A: One, it was fantastic.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: Pink, tank tops rock.

Q: Name one thing that you do everyday?
A: Listen to techno in one form or another.

Q: What is the color of your bedroom walls?
A: White, Yale blue and light yale blue.

Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?
A: Nothing.. I'm in my pajamas. Sorry, you may want to rob the next joe.

Q: What is your favorite sport?
A: Swimming, or diving. Both fun to do and great to watch.

Q: I can't wait until...?
A: A month and a half from now when I leave for Europe and finally return to Venice.

Q: When was the last time you saw your dad?
A: Two months ago when he left for Qutar.

Q: What did you have for dinner last night?
A: Hamburger Helper without the Hamburger, it was fantastic! Soupy and cheesey.. yum.

Q: Look to your left. What is there?
A: A door.

Q: What is the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
A: I dunno, a dress from Julie to go on my dream date to the Opera. Now thats what I'm talking about.

Q: What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?
A: My e-mail, livejournal, myspace and somethingpositive.net

Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A: I prefer to have fresh flowers in my room when it's an option.

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: Nope, I'm doing really well thanks.

Q: when was your last taxicab ride?
A: When I was in New York 8 years ago, that was one helluva cold ride.

Q: What is your favorite Starbucks drink?
A: Marble Mocha Macchiato. *WARNING* Never, ever give one of those to a 9 year old girl when you are in a confined space for longer than an hour with multiple other people. That.. was an interesting night.

Q: Would you have a problem if your friend went after your ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
A: Really depends, because the majority of my ex's are complete idiots. I'd be more worried about my friend's mental health as a whole.

_______Last________
1. Person you saw: Some random person behind the wheel around traffic in Clearfield.
2. Hugged: Mah Momma.
3. Time you shopped: Ha! Like.. yesterday?
4. IM: Paul, I'm addicted I must say.
5. Song you listened to: Don't Phunk with My Heart by Black Eyed Peas

______Today________
1. What are you doing now: Staring at this screen and typing.
2. What are you doing tonight: Studying Dante, reading trashy a Romance Novel while sipping on coffee, listening to Paul DJ his show, going to my dead-best-friend's-sister's wedding.
3. What are you going to eat for lunch: Small children with a side of sushi.

______Tomorrow________
1. Is: The end of the world, or Thursday as we know it.
2. Got any plans: Sleeping and reading.
3. Goal: To sleep as long as possible and read as much as possible.
4. Dislikes: Being awoken early and forced to do something that doesn't invovle reading.
5. Do you have to work: Work at making my brain supremely large through reading?! Of course!

________Currently___________
1. Love someone: Yes, and I always will.
2. Like someone: Certainly
3. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Nope
4. Does someone like you: A few, at least thats what they said.
5. Missing someone: Yessireebob.
6. Can you miss someone you've never met?: Thats an interesting quesiton that I'm sure you could entertain a group of halpless philosophy majors that overtalk each other and think themselves the most original thinkers in the existence of civilization. I, on the other hand, am tired and I'm going to go read or something.

What happened to fidelity in this world?

Seriously.

A man I was dating (and seriously considering spending the rest of my life with) two years ago just wrote me about how proud he is about doing various things with two married women last night. He's immensley proud that he obtained both of their numbers and that he no longer cares about morality.

This is a guy with two children that depend upon him, both are under the age of five.

Guh.

Great example you are setting Dad, should I just put Jerry Springer on speed-dial right now?

It's funny how you think you know someone, and especially how people change over time. It's also really funny that people can take such vows and disreguard them to the wind whenever it seems convenient. I know that alot of people are whining about the institution of marriage is being dashed and shattered in this great country. I do believe in divorce, why should someone remain in a situation that creates unhappiness and stress to a level they cannot handle? Infidelity on the other hand I really have little to no tolerance for. No wonder I'm such an old maid in the middle of Utah.

A good friend of mine and I were speaking on the subject of cheating. I was sharing with her that I had the opprotunity to cheat hadn't. Whereas my fiance at the time had taken the opprotunity to cheat and spent the week with my best friend. She listened carefully and then shared something unlike anything I had ever heard before. Her boyfriend and her had a pact. If ever they came across the situation where they had made the conscious decision in their mind to cheat, they would call the other right before doing so. Why? Because that would be the end of the relationship. Instead of violating the trust between each other, they would inform the other that because they had made this decision and they were about to do this that the situation had become so obvious that they were not supposed to be together.

I believe in choice, I believe in humanity... But indeed there are some people that disappoint me greatly in the way that they treat others.

Yesterday I went on an adventure. One that involved walking for thirty minutes to find a Starbucks, using my wit and a pair of bright blue eyes belonging to someone else to get double the coffee for the price.. And sitting in an E.R. for Five hours straight playing various alphabet games.

Did you know there's hardly any movies that start with N?

And later that night I sang Karoke for the first time.

Personal Jesus is not a good selection to sing in a bar full of drunk guys. But entertaining nonetheless.

Last night I was relaxed and laying back in the bed while reading a book.

Not just any ol' book, but a good one at that.

When out of the blue the dog hops up onto the bed and promptly begins to hump my leg. Suffice to say, my sexual tastes tend not to lay in the range of female let alone outside of my species so I go to shove her off. In return for my efforts, I'm smacked promptly across the face by a hurt and rejected two year old lab.

*Crickets*

Did I happen to mention that life becomes interesting once you start to think it's going to settle down?

The Girl's Bill of Rights

Girls have the right to be themselves and to resist gender stereotypes

Girls have the right to express themselves with orginality and enthusiasm

Girls have the right to take risks, to strive freely, and to take pride in success

Girls have the right to accept and appreciate their bodies

Girls have the right to have confidence in themselves and be safe in the world

Girls have the right to prepare for interesting work and economic independence

I

I found this on the fridge of a friend who also happens to have two daughters. I'm really quite impressed and in awe at the detication and freedom he promotes for his daughters and the women around him.

Funny thing though, both his daughters still insist that they are ugly. The first time I heard them say this I just about fell out of the chair I was sitting in. I'm quite serious. They've inherited these huge blue eyes, and I'm pretty sure if they asked for anything at all from anyone they'd get it in a heartbeat if the person wasn't trained in the defense of the dark arts. Eyes tell everything you know.

It just reminds me that despite how many times my father and family insisted that I was beautiful, the pressure from the outside world was so immense that no matter what they said I simply did not feel it as deeply as I perhaps should have. Seeing this on his fridge reminds me that it is indeed true because I know for a fact that he does love his daughters more than anything I can think of, and he speaks the truth when he calls them beautiful and encourages them to touch the stars.

I spent far too many years believing myself to be far too ugly for this, far too ugly for that, and to be honest it's tiring and almost pointless. The only real progress I've made in my life is when I tossed those self-degrading thoughts aside and believed in myself as the people around me had always done. Especially my father, he has never waived in his faith in knowing I was beau tifula nd could do anything I put my mind and time into. Reguardless of any of that, life is a path to be taken and letting things like lack of the social beauty standard hold you back is truly a waste of time and painful for yourself and those around you.

So I guess what I'm saying is, lift that chin girlfriend! Go get em'!

Why does this remind me of the President of America?

Why?

*snort*

The auditorium was filled with the jingoistic cries of the crowd. Screams for blood, screams for physical violence.. Screams of encouragement to the fighters within the round cage in the center. The two fighters then enter into the ring. The first, a tall slim figure weighing in at 160 pounds and cut like a Calvin Kline model that has smoked way too many cigarettes and only had an apple a day for the past year as nutrition. The other, a figure I was quite familiar with, was slender and not nearly as cut, but muscular. The fight lasted but a few minutes, yet I hung on every tender moment of watching the man I was romantically linked to, tumbling about a small area surrounded by common chain link fence and getting his face pounded upon by a professional boxer. Struggling to keep my composure, I held onto my friend’s hand for dear life as I watched the match. Then ref suddenly tossed one off the other and screamed aloud for all those to hear that the fight was over. What? Huh? I couldn’t tell exactly what was happening; the last thing I saw was Jake on the bottom of the struggle as the other was shoving his elbow into his throat. Apparently Jake had managed to link both his leg and his arm around the man’s throat and cut off the blood flow to his brain, forcing him to leave the match before losing consciousness. God, Jake looked like a wreck. His cheek and eyebrow already bleeding and swelling from the hits he had taken, but the idiotic grin still decorated his features as the ref announced him the winner. As the crowd rose to hear the announcement of the fight ending, the two over-zealous TV. hosts came with a large camera and interviewed him. One mentioned, “My goodness with a handsome fellow like you and this win you could have any girl you possibly wanted in this entire joint! Women love fighters like you.” His half-guttural reply: “... Uh.. yup, don’t know about that.”

*record screeching to a halt*

Why yes, this would be the point where my heart went from being high within the rafters to being dropped like a penny off the Empire State Building.

But why?

Within me I had wished for a response much like: “Sorry Bucko, but there’s only one girl for me in this entire joint.”

Or, “That’s nice and all, but there’s only one girl in this audience that makes my heart sing.”

The list goes on. Did I realize that he had just had his face pounded in by a professional boxer? Yes. Did I acknowledge that he wasn’t thinking entirely all that clear because of the struggle only moments before? Yes. But did that stop my heart from cracking ever so little from not being acknowledged and adored much like all the women in the movies? No.

This leads me to the post that I’ve wanted to make in almost two weeks; what are the expectations of love and relationships that we gain entirely from an unrealistic perspective shown in the media? What is the impact that these unrealistic romantic relationships having on our society as a whole? What is love?

I spent this particular semester trying to figure that out. I’ve read Cosmo, I’ve read Plato, I’ve read Dante, I’ve even read those trashy romance novels, I’ve read all over the place suffice to say. All have driven me closer to the point of learning exactly what I want to know, but I am still perplexed. What is that feeling that you get when someone attractive walks by, as opposed to that feeling you see in the eyes of the elderly couple holding hands walking in the park? More importantly, why are we expecting someone like the Dread Pirate Roberts or the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model of the year to come whisk us away and adore us until the end of time? And what exactly is a relationship?

These are good questions. However I have noticed that most people spend their entire lives developing answers for them. To each their own is a very appropriate manner to address this

For example, while preparing for my Math 1010 final, I overheard something rather peculiar. I was sitting, no wait.. More like twitching in place while my friend Julie sat across from me and assisted me with any particular problem that did not suit well with my already scattered and stressed out mind. At times like these we tend to forget the lovely nature of humanity and the odd things that can occur to call our attention back to reality. And at these times I have noticed that the most peculiar things seem to happen. Like a group of slightly over-weight, coke-eyeglass toting, slightly-balding men gathering on a table next to you and announcing in an obnoxious tone and volume: “Girls don’t know how easy they have it! Guys come to THEM in order to get dates and they can say yes or no. I mean, come on! How hard can that be?!”

Sometimes I think our culture focuses entirely far too much on the differences between the sexes, because this conversation I have heard so often from females as well. Why do we honestly sit around and complain about group we are attracted to if we really want to be in a relationship? I asked another one of my friends about this, she promptly replied: “These people are not looking for a partner; they are looking for a servant.”

The expectation of others to seek out and do all of the work in a relationship is something I see quite often. And the unrealistic perspective that marriage and relationships are entirely joy and rapture and that they are to be sought out as quickly as possible is something that deeply disturbs me as well. Why do we place such a high value on lust and not love?

Yes, I’m currently single. Am I angry about being single because I was just recently in a relationship? No. Am I seeking out a relationship to define myself as a human being? No. But why do others do this so often? Why do others seek out another to complete themselves? The Greeks had an interesting answer to this question. In one of their own myths, humans were once complete and were neither male nor female. They were both and were continually happy and all-powerful due to their body constantly being in a state of equilibrium. However, the gods became jealous/afraid/contemptuous of the human creature and therefore separated them to create male and female. Because of this, we have an inner desire to ultimately become one again. In the climax of sexual intimacy we can once again feel what our ancestors knew at all times.

Then again the Greeks were interesting people. Why rest the responsibility of seeking the true nature of self through another? Isn’t that unfair enough as it is? Of course we discover more things about ourselves while in relationships, but often I see people fill the inadequacies of self-reliance, self esteem, and belief by rushing into marriages and relationships.

Another friend of mine asked his class to write down their greatest possessions. One thing that shocked him was that some of the replies consisted of human beings: “My Wife”, “My Kids”, or “My Family.” What on earth inclines these people to write down human beings as possessions? How do you own another person?

Relationships, no matter how you look at it, are a working function between two people. Whether it be friends, lovers, children, anything. There are two people contributing and taking as a whole in order to gain from one another. What I would consider a truly inspiring love story is not a Peasant boy seeking fortune for his one true love and coming back to rescue her from a loveless marriage. Or some prince in shinning armor to come whisk me away to another kingdom. When I see people together in long-lasting and loving relationships I do not think:”God, they are so lucky to have found each other”. No, I think: “It is truly inspiring to see two people who take such care and affection in one another to work at building such a relationship.” Well.. Not that I think those exact words, but the feeling is there; Admiration and inspiration.

No.. To me, love is affection, respect, admiration, compassion, mercy, acknowledgement, forgiveness.. The list goes on. It is an amorphous emotion without boundaries or restrictions besides that which we apply to it.

Love is, as said so appropriately in As Good As It Gets, someone who’s very existence on the earth makes you want to be a better person.

Whether it is fleeting as a side-glance on a bus, or a lifetime together.. Love is not a possession for human beings, nor is it something to be sought after like a prize to show to others.

Then again that simply still leaves the question open..

What is love to you?