Utah is not exactly the most conducive environment for people to learn how to date for a healthy relationship. When people are raised in an extremely religious culture that promotes patriartical thinking and behavior, things can easily go awry.
Often there are several stereotypes that arise from this kind of society. I think the Jane Austin captured the male stereotypes perfectly in her novel "Pride and Prejudice", and that the film Stepford Wives covers the female stereotype soundly.
Males here are often be stereotyped in the character of either Mr. Collins (The man of god seeking a 'deserving' woman of his attentions) or Mr. Wickham (the devious and deceptive man with 'issues'). All of these men, of course, can only settle and will only want a woman that strives to be perfect for hearth, home, and producing children (much like a mechanical Steford Wife).
Like Elizabeth Bennet, I often struggle with my perceptions/judgements of men and how to conduct myself in such a society. One that defiantly doesn't approve of me, and one that I struggle to understand in fair judgment without extreme bias and not follow.
I'm not saying that I'm perfect and society has wronged me. But I honestly feel like there's a extreme divide here between what is healthy and what is implied with little to no direction or education.
Not many people are taught much about what it means to be in a 'healthy' relationship here in Utah. It is just overly emphasized over and over again every Sunday and in the home to avoid physical contact and go have fun. Strict rules are often the norm here when it comes to dating. A popular one is that people are not allowed to date before the age of 16. Even then it is usually restricted to group dating, and steady dating is not allowed until 18. Even then, it is often encouraged to not allow any of these individuals to be left alone or to allow them to go anywhere overnight without chaperones if at all.
Although this system works for some, I still look at some of the rates and wonder. Like how the divorce rate is unbelievably high compared to other states. Oh, and how the sexual incest and abuse rates are at times triple other state averages in the union.
Okay.. so what happens to the people that decide not to follow this belief structure? People who decide to be intimate and follow a different path? Especially when the local culture has affected the sexual education system to the point where a teacher will be fired immediately if they say "condom".
Oy vey.
Things and behaviors carry over from one's upbringing, so how does one go about knowing what to expect out of a relationship or dating that isn't based entirely on religion or upbringing?
Hmm..
I stumbled through and thought upon this for many years. Finding one's own dating philosophy can definitely be tricky and difficult, especially with a pious upbringing (the focus on what NOT to do instead of what to expect and do for a healthy relationship) and very little education in the ways of sexuality and the consequences of actions or inaction.
I found this just a short few months ago, and I honestly feel like this is the most honest and healthy approach to dating and relationships I've ever seen.
* I have the right to refuse a date without feeling guilty.
* I have the right to ask for a date without being crushed if the answer is no.
* I have the right to choose to go somewhere alone without having to pair up with someone.
* I have the right not to act "Macho" or "Seductive."
* I have the right to say "no" to physical closeness.
* I have the right to say "I want to know you better before I become involved."
* I have the right to say "I don't want to be in this relationship any longer."
* I have the right to an equal relationship.
* I have the right not to be abused physically, sexually or emotionally.
* I have the right to change my goals whenever I want.
* I have the right express my opinions and have them be respected.
* I have the right to have my needs be as important as my partner's needs.
* I have the right to grow as an individual in my own way.
* I have the right to change my mind.
* I have the right to not to take responsibility for my partner's behavior.
* I have the right to not to be physically, emotionally, or sexually abused.
* I have the right to break up and fall out of love with someone and not be threatened.
From: "What You Should Know About Relationship Violence"Texas A&M University Vanessa Diaz Clark & Dean 0. Clark II
(Excerpted from Student Handout, Intermedia, Inc.)
So right click and copy people. Share share share!
Often there are several stereotypes that arise from this kind of society. I think the Jane Austin captured the male stereotypes perfectly in her novel "Pride and Prejudice", and that the film Stepford Wives covers the female stereotype soundly.
Males here are often be stereotyped in the character of either Mr. Collins (The man of god seeking a 'deserving' woman of his attentions) or Mr. Wickham (the devious and deceptive man with 'issues'). All of these men, of course, can only settle and will only want a woman that strives to be perfect for hearth, home, and producing children (much like a mechanical Steford Wife).
Like Elizabeth Bennet, I often struggle with my perceptions/judgements of men and how to conduct myself in such a society. One that defiantly doesn't approve of me, and one that I struggle to understand in fair judgment without extreme bias and not follow.
I'm not saying that I'm perfect and society has wronged me. But I honestly feel like there's a extreme divide here between what is healthy and what is implied with little to no direction or education.
Not many people are taught much about what it means to be in a 'healthy' relationship here in Utah. It is just overly emphasized over and over again every Sunday and in the home to avoid physical contact and go have fun. Strict rules are often the norm here when it comes to dating. A popular one is that people are not allowed to date before the age of 16. Even then it is usually restricted to group dating, and steady dating is not allowed until 18. Even then, it is often encouraged to not allow any of these individuals to be left alone or to allow them to go anywhere overnight without chaperones if at all.
Although this system works for some, I still look at some of the rates and wonder. Like how the divorce rate is unbelievably high compared to other states. Oh, and how the sexual incest and abuse rates are at times triple other state averages in the union.
Okay.. so what happens to the people that decide not to follow this belief structure? People who decide to be intimate and follow a different path? Especially when the local culture has affected the sexual education system to the point where a teacher will be fired immediately if they say "condom".
Oy vey.
Things and behaviors carry over from one's upbringing, so how does one go about knowing what to expect out of a relationship or dating that isn't based entirely on religion or upbringing?
Hmm..
I stumbled through and thought upon this for many years. Finding one's own dating philosophy can definitely be tricky and difficult, especially with a pious upbringing (the focus on what NOT to do instead of what to expect and do for a healthy relationship) and very little education in the ways of sexuality and the consequences of actions or inaction.
I found this just a short few months ago, and I honestly feel like this is the most honest and healthy approach to dating and relationships I've ever seen.
Dating Rights
* I have the right to refuse a date without feeling guilty.
* I have the right to ask for a date without being crushed if the answer is no.
* I have the right to choose to go somewhere alone without having to pair up with someone.
* I have the right not to act "Macho" or "Seductive."
* I have the right to say "no" to physical closeness.
* I have the right to say "I want to know you better before I become involved."
* I have the right to say "I don't want to be in this relationship any longer."
* I have the right to an equal relationship.
* I have the right not to be abused physically, sexually or emotionally.
* I have the right to change my goals whenever I want.
* I have the right express my opinions and have them be respected.
* I have the right to have my needs be as important as my partner's needs.
* I have the right to grow as an individual in my own way.
* I have the right to change my mind.
* I have the right to not to take responsibility for my partner's behavior.
* I have the right to not to be physically, emotionally, or sexually abused.
* I have the right to break up and fall out of love with someone and not be threatened.
From: "What You Should Know About Relationship Violence"Texas A&M University Vanessa Diaz Clark & Dean 0. Clark II
(Excerpted from Student Handout, Intermedia, Inc.)
So right click and copy people. Share share share!
posted by Nogias at 12:34 AM
5 Comments:
thats funny that you got this list from a A&M. from what i understand they are a very, very christian school.
Thats interesting. I was just being lame and not wanting to type up the list I found in a pamphlet. So I just looked up a similar list online. The one I originally read was from the book: "Man-to-Man: When Your Partner Says No: Pressured Sex and Date Rape" by Scott A. Johnson
I'm not saying it's a Christian thing to neglect the education of developing a healthy relationship with chosen partners though. I'm saying it's a common practice in Utah.
well utah is a place full of practicing mormons. to me (while some think its debatable) mormons=christians=rushed dating habits
vee
I was born and raised in Utah and have lived 3 other places at this point for a few yrs at a time and I can't say I agree fully with this.
I have found the Utah men actually tend to be raised to treat women with respect not a better than you cause I'm male kind of attitude. To name 2 states I have lived besides Utah
Hollywood California
New Orleans Louisiana
Which all three states are so different from eachother that I have seen one end of the spectrum to the other.
I think that dating in Utah is actually more sincere and usually not always the men have genuine intentions because they are raised that way rather then the 1 night stand and lack of commitment issues I have ran into elsewhere.
It should also be known I'm not Mormon either so I'm not defending due to any bias opinion.
Just another point of view
I was reading this and wondering, "Can I copy this list and post it to show to my future children??" And then I finished and it said, right click and copy! Thanks.
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